HELLRAISER: HELLSEEKER is Like Taking Viagra + Ambien Together
The first of three straight direct to DVD Hellraiser sequels by director Rick Bota (Three Straight Hellraiser Films) has me wondering if I’d rather watch the next two films or just rent a movie on Skinemax later.
Hellseeker features Dean Winters (The “Mayhem” insurance commercial guy, Rescue Me) as Trevor. A guy who’s just been in a car crash where his wife Kirsty (Ashley Lawrence of the first two Hellraiser films) is apparently killed in the first scene (What the fuck). He wakes up in a hospital with memory loss and bad headaches. She’s missing and many are suspicious he’s the culprit.
If this sounds interesting so far, hold your horses because that’s done.
For the rest of the film we just watch as Trevor repetitively goes through this exact same pattern over and over again:
- He’s very politely threatened by the detective on the case
- He has a headache, followed by a weird vision that’s about as frightening as a Saw movie sponsored by Walmart.
- A strange woman tries to bang him
- He considers it and does everything but actually bang them before he goes “Oh shit, I’m married. I forgot my wife was missing.”
- He wakes up in his cubicle where his weird work buddy talks in riddles like your Aunt who can’t get her shit together so she spends all day vague-booking for attention.
THIS ALL HAPPENS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, TWENTY GODDAMN TIMES.
It’s Jacobs Ladder if the entire crew were tranquilized turtles who thought they were filming a soft core porn JC Penny ad. That’s not even a thing but yet somehow aptly describes this whole movie.
EVENTUALLY and I mean thirty-six god forsaken minutes into this travesty Pinhead finally shows up and does Pinhead type shit. Which is always cool when it’s done by the masterful Doug Bradley. “How dare you speak of pain! I am pain!” is a standout line in a put away movie.
I have to admit the story itself by Carl V Dupre (Detroit Rock City) and Tim Day is not a bad idea at all in the way they bring back Ashley Lawrence as Kirsty. The way she weaves into the story, the twist and Pinhead’s plans was actually pretty interesting.
However, the worst sin Hellraiser: Hellseeker commits is the way they waste all that. Focusing instead on watching Trevor get horny and take cold showers with the excitement of the dude making your vegetarian Subway sandwich. Which, in case you’re wondering is absolutely none. Nobody is excited about making a vegetarian sandwich and if they are then they must be higher than Jared Leto on the set of…..well, anything lately.
Alas, to end where we began: Hellraiser: Hellseeker is the movie equivalent of taking Viagra and Ambien at the same time.
I’m really sleepy….but I guess I have a boner. 4/10
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