Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix TODAY!!!!!
The kids are going back to school! Time to watch whatever the fuck you wanna watch! When you aren’t making lunches, transporting them to and from, helping with homework or going to work.
Here’s all the shit you won’t have time to watch on Netflix this month. We’ll have some fun along the way.
- Batman Begins
RACHEL! Where is your backpack? We’re late! RACHEL! Wake up your brother! RACHEL! You’ve been poisoned by a psychotropic hallucinogen!
- Chernobyl Diaries
Back when we actually fell for the old “From the creator of Paranormal Activity/SAW” joke. That’s like buying Papa John’s and expecting Peyton Manning to feed it to you. Sing it with me now in the “Nationwide” melody “This movie is total shit.”
One of the all time greats. Fight me. Just try not to suck any dick on your way to the park. HEY! GET BACK HERE! (It’s a quote from the movie Mom, calm down)
I just wanted you guys to see this thumbnail I created for our Youtube review of this a while back. Hilarious! It’s an embarrassingly bad movie at times but is based on a Stephen King story and boasts a kick ass cast. There’s also a poop monster that kills Jason Lee.
- Edge of Fear
“He will erase your past to protect your future.” It’s about learning how to delete our old tweets. You can see Arnold below brandishing his James Gunns.
- Gran Torino
Perfect for that “Man, I just want to watch Clint Eastwood be angry as fuck” feeling.
- House of Deadly Secrets (Not a good name for your dick)
- Los tiempos de Pablo Escobar: Season 1
- Million Dollar Baby
One of the worst named films that has ever graced a screen. I mean, honestly this is an emotional powerhouse of a movie that would make Mark Wahlberg in Fear cry. But that movie title belongs in a Burger King garbage can.
- No Reservations
- Once in a Lifetime Sessions with Moby
- Once in a Lifetime Sessions with Nile Rodgers
- Once in a Lifetime Sessions with Noel Gallagher
- Once in a Lifetime Sessions with TLC
- P.S. I Love You
I don’t care who knows it. This is a majestic gem of a love story. There’s also a funeral in a bar which for future reference how I’d like to be celebrated when I pass away. Unless it’s from liver failure you guys, that’s too on the nose.
- Steel Magnolias (Good name for your dick)
- Stripes (Fantastic movie but really, how many times are you guys going to put this on and take it back off again? Just send us all a copy on DVD at this point for fucks sake)
- The Aviator
- The Golden Compass
- The Informant! (Fat Damon)
- The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
I’ll never understand the draw of these movies. I have literally watched them more times than the people who love them just trying to understand. WHEN’S IT GOING TO BE MY TURN TO SEE THE GODDAMN SAILBOAT?!?!!?
- The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
Available on August 2
Watched this ages ago. It’s a horror flick about the worlds worst babysitter and it is mean as balls. Not as great as some horror sites claim it to be but there’s an interesting premise. Why would you spell your name that way though? It’s just confusing to everyone, Emily.
Available on August 3
- Brij Mohan Amar Rahe
- Cocaine Coast
- Dinotrux Supercharged: Season 3
- I Am a Killer
- Like Father
- Marching Orders
Available on August 4
- +Flavors of Youth: International Version
Available on August 5
- Paid in Full
Available on August 9
- The Originals: Season 5
Available on August 10
- 72 Dangerous Animals: Asia
- All About the Washingtons
- Demetri Martin: The Overthinker
- La casa de las flores
- Million Pound Menu
- The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society
- The Package
- The Ponysitters Club
- Voltron: Legendary Defender: Season 7
Available on August 11
- No Country for Old Men
Perfect for that “I want to watch an amazing movie with some of the best acting and dialogue in history and then have it fucking end out of nowhere, unresolved” feeling. Great movie though.
Available on August 13
- Alexander: The Ultimate Cut
- Splash and Bubbles: Season 2
- The Nut Job
Available on August 15
- Adventures in Public School
- The 100: Season 5
Available on August 16
- Evan Almighty
- Wish I Was Here
Available on August 17
- Magic for Humans
- Pinky Malinky
- Spirit Riding Free: Season 6
- Stay Here
- The Motive
- To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before
Available on August 19
- The Investigator: A British Crime Story: Season 2
Available on August 21
- Year One
Available on August 23
- Follow This
- Great News: Season 1
Available on August 24
- Ask the StoryBots: Season 2
- Bert Kreischer: Secret Time
Excited to see what Blumhouse can do in the streaming arena. Not excited to have to read subtitles. Don’t judge me. We’ve all angrily hit the play button and mumbled “Shit better be worth it” before.
- The After Party
- The Innocents
- Trolls: The Beat Goes On!: Season 3
- Young & Hungry: Season 5
Available on August 28
- The Good Place: Season 2
Available on August 29
- Inequality for All
Available on August 31
- Inside the Criminal Mind
- Ozark: Season 2 (Seriously need to finish Season 1. Damn you, choices!)
- The Comedy Lineup: Part 2
- The Laws of Thermodynamics
- Ultimate Beastmaster: Survival of the Fittest
- Undercover Law
That’s it! Not the best lineup in the history of lineups. Kind of recycling the same shit here, Netflix. I’m most excited for Ghoul as the newcomer, Clerks and No Country for Old Men as the best movies.
At the same time however, I have those movies on Blu-ray. It’d be nice to see Netflix step their game up with lesser known titles. They seem to either have big hitters or completely obscure films with nothing in between.
Also, more Jean Claude Van Damme to be specific.
Thanks for reading! If you’d like more please follow me on Medium! Write me if you’re interested in hiring a writer: WeWatchedAMovie2@gmail.com and if you’d like to check out every movie coming to Amazon in August click here.